The Verbal’s

The majority of poker players say sweet FA when they are at the table, and then you have the talkers. We’ve all meet them at the table and for the most part they make the game a more enjoyable experience. I can tell you for a fact that a tournament without them is the most horrible experience.

Case in point, the €300 Freezeout at the IPT in June, after sitting quietly at a table I had been moved to for 20 minutes I made a raise, the dealer looked at me for the first time since my arrival and in a surprised tone said “Oh hello, I didn’t recognise you there”. (Its not that I’m famous like Mr N(icky), it just the fact that I was one of his bosses that tipped him of to my identity). I simply explained that today I had decided to disguise myself as an incredibly handsome fat man, whereas normally I am just an annoying little runt (oops another reference to the prima donna, better be careful or he’ll come looking for royalties). Ok perhaps not the funniest joke ever told at the poker table but Jesus not one player even blinked. After a few hours of this you’re welcoming the warm embrace of death.

Anyway back to the talkers, I have broken them down into 3 categories:
The Player, the Gent and the guy I met last night.

The Player makes talking a part of his game and without a doubt the best I have even seen is Mr F(intan), whom I am sure you all know. His ability to talk a player into calling or folding is amazing, but the most impressive thing I think is the way he gets a player to show his card to him at the end of a hand. He truly is a master of the gab, and it is a huge part of his game. Some would argue that it is the only part of his game, but it’s not my place to judge his awful plays or the rancid hands he chooses to make them with.

The Gent is the player you always want at your table, his foremost intention is to enjoy his tournament. Playful ribbing of his fellow players and the absolute ripping the piss out of the above mentioned "The Player" is the order of the night. You almost don’t mind losing your chips to The Gent, almost.

And then we have the guy I met last night, you’ve all meet him in one form or other, he is invariably young and always freakishly dense. The guy just can’t shut his gob, verbal diarrhoea of the worst kind. Every hand he has an opinion, advice or a critic and nothing you can do will stop him. If you get loud and aggressively rude to him he will just get louder, in an attempt to drown you out. If you start taking the piss out of him, he will either be too stupid to notice or he will attempt to take the piss out of you in return, but of course he is so bad at it, that with every word you can feel the old ulcers starting to flare. The more you insist he shut his face the more he genuinely believes you jealous of his obvious talent. I often wonder how this guy hasn’t tripped and accidentally strangled himself with his own lips.

Last night he was in Athlone and by God was he on form, world class form. A regular in the game that I know to be a rock managed to last 49 minutes listening to this guy before he called an all-in on the blind in the hope he would lose and be able to escape the agony. Thankfully his wishes were granted and as he stood up from the table a content smile spread across his face, he had no pity for the rest of us.

Something has to be done and I am sorry to say I am at a loss. Does anyone really know how to shut this guy up, or is this like the search for eternal youth, am I seeking Holy Grail of poker.